Introduction
To book a call with Coach Ken: dotheyloveme.com/
No Contact is stressful as it is; but what if you get mixed signals from the very same person you're using it with? What if they don't reach out to you, but your friends and family? Is it bad to think it's a positive sign, or is it really just in your head? This video has the answers.
Coach Ken's Relationship Video Course:
vimeo.com/ondemand/coachkencourse
Video
Okay, so today's video is for people that are dealing with being in love with somebody with borderline personality disorder and trying to maintain no contact.
So one of the first and the more the lower level, but one of the first positive signs that they're missing you that they're starting to get that swing back towards idealizing you, or at least those first stages of starting to really second.
Guess, regret re-analyze, the first pangs of anxiety that maybe they've made a mistake because you've been able to respond with strength and with confidence.
Some of the first subtle signs that you'll see are the very little things that you'll want to dismiss because when you're in a stage of heartache, especially certain personality types, if they get any kind of a positive sign.
The first instinct is to try to make sure that they're being mentally tough by rejecting the signs they get.
It could be something subtle like liking a comment viewing your stories, even commenting on relatives, commenting on friends, or just doing a little like comment for a cousin of yours, or for a best friend it's, something that's on the fringe of you.
But it's a safe way for them to get validation like we live in a pretty modern updated technological culture.
Now we kind of know how to communicate without clearly communicating verbally or directly reaching out.
We know how to interpret signs so it's like it's, almost like the grown-up version of when you were in third grade, you might like pull the hair of a girl you like or like throw a paper wide, or the guy that you like or call them a little name, it's a safe way to get attention, but it's, very intentional.
So what we'll normally do though when we see it like a lot of times I'll get this during a phone call, well, she's starting to she's, not really reaching out to me, but she's starting to comment on my mom's page, or she started to comment on my friend's story, or she actually, she actually liked my cousin's story on instagram the other day, and they haven't even been in in contact in a while.
Why would she do that? Why would he do that? Do you think they miss me? And then quickly they'll say, I don't think it really means anything because that's the mental aspect of somebody that's trying to be tough.
So if you get positive signs, when you're in no contact, you tend to take it as well.
I don't really know, that's true so I'm going to reject it as any kind of positive evidence.
I don't want to give myself false hope that would be somehow a sign of mental weakness it's.
What we convince ourselves of even though it's not true.
So we tend to reject it, but it's, real it's, an early stage sign.
The reason it's real is because every every action has a motivation, put yourself in their spot if you've broken up with somebody, and you were certain that it was over, and it was sticky, and it was messy.
And it was painful when you finally get things settled and it's done.
What would you not want to do? It would be like poking awaking, emotional bear.
You finally, got it to sleep.
You just want to slowly back away.
You want to get in your range rover.
And you want to drive away.
Why would you reach out? And oh, I like their cousin story.
Oh, I like their mom's story.
Oh, I like this comment, oh, I like it's because they're starting to have that anxiety.
And in that moment, when they do that small little thing, they realize there's a good chance that you're going to see it.
They know that there's going to be some time in the near future they're going to see that for a second they're going to think of me.
They want to know you're going to think of them.
But then you type the positive sign and reject it completely.
Meanwhile, any kind of negative evidence you have that they've gotten over you.
You accept as complete truth.
And then we call that living in reality.
Well, I'm just trying to accept things the way they are.
So any kind of good hint or good evidence.
I reject completely any kind of bad evidence, I'm going to take it as a certainty because I'm trying to be realistic that's, not realistic.
But you tormenting yourself needlessly.
The second thing they might do is they might actually reach out to check on your friends and family.
So they won't reach out to you and say, hey, I think I've made a mistake.
I'm really starting to have this anxiety I'm starting to have this.
I have this second guessing of myself in the decision I'm starting to wonder, if maybe you are the right person for me, they don't want to say that not in the early stages.
So it's like, hey, I just I saw something I saw your mom was in the hospital.
I heard about your friend.
I know, there's a bad storm.
I knew there was a tornado in your area.
Um, hey, do me a favor.
I get this all the time a lot of times there's a shared pet when the person that was broken up with has the pet.
So the other person will reach out and say, hey, could you do me a favor? And and tell rover, I said, hi you'll, actually say, hey, can you can you tell the dog or the cat that I said, hi for me or hey, will you send me a picture of the cat like if they're really that close to that pet? Even after a breakup, they probably have pictures on their phone.
They probably have access to be able to actually look at that pet.
They probably don't need to just directly reach out to you.
But again, it's a safe way to do it.
Hey, I saw that your dad was going into surgery.
Please, let me know if there's anything I can do let him know, I'm praying for him.
I always liked your dad it's.
The same kind of thing it's, just a strong, a little bit of a stronger move or sometimes a friend or a relative will actually reach out to you and it's almost like it's on their behalf.
Because it is it's very unusual for a friend, a close friend or a close family member to reach out to you after you've been broken up with the borderline and the borderline, not no, because just like the borderline is extremely addictive to you once they start to second guess once that other pendulum direction starts to swing, and they start to consider that maybe they've made a mistake.
Maybe they just let the love of their life walk away.
Maybe they just pushed away the love of their life that anxiety that depression that second guessing, it doesn't stop it's.
A compulsion that's part of borderline it's, not like they can talk themselves out of it it's, not a conscious decision.
You can make to stop feeling and start stop having that pattern of push away, draw them back.
One of the best book titles on borderline is called, I hate you.
Please don't, leave me just that title sums up an entire book that's, what they're doing.
So when they're they're in that phase of please don't leave me, even though I pushed you away, even though I threatened you with a restraining order, I've even talked to people that have run over the other person with a truck when they're in that one state where they've rejected devalued and pushed you away.
It seems like forever to you, but remember, it's a back and forth process unless they get some serious help.
And and in a lot of ways, I mean, there are some that are pretty cruel.
But there are a lot of there are a lot of people with borderline that are actually very loving giving people who are in pain.
They don't know how to stop their own pendulum swing.
They don't know how to prevent themselves from feeling so much anxiety that they didn't sleep all night.
So they have to break up with you the next morning, and they let the anxiety, convince them that that's the evidence you shouldn't be together.
Well, it wouldn't be this hard.
I wouldn't be wrestling with this much anxiety.
If we were supposed to be together.
So they push you away if you can walk away with strength, then you trigger the fear that they just lost the love of their life.
So they have to find ways to reach out to you.
But a lot of times, even though they know, they're feeling it and they miss you.
They also remember they're, very aware that they're.
The one that broke your heart they're, the one that causes this emotional drama for both of you.
And in some ways it's a blow to their pride, it's, a little embarrassing, especially when they don't know how to stop those intense feelings.
So instead of just calling you and saying you remember, when I broke up with you, and I I told you, I was certain that.
This was the right way to go, but turns out I'm not certain anymore for the last few weeks for the last few nights it could be for the last few hours.
I've really started to be afraid that maybe we're supposed to be together.
And I made a massive mistake.
Will you take me back that's? A really hard conversation to have what's easier is to test the waters have a brother have a friend have a cousin have somebody else reach out to check on you two things.
They get information from you with the exchange from this surrogate contact person.
They also get the relief of anxiety knowing that for that moment while you're talking to that other person in a way you're thinking about them, just that can relieve some anxiety, but it's a positive sign that we tend to dismiss because again, we're in that mindset of I don't want to accept any positive sign as absolute evidence, because then I might have false hope and that'll hurt later, it's, not true.
All you're really doing is denying yourself of some probably much needed encouragement.
So don't do that the third and one of the strongest signs into thinking about you is they reach out to you and let, you know they actually want to spend time with you.
But a lot of times they'll do it without the label.
So instead of saying, I miss, you can we go out again, they're, not going to say, hey, can we go on? Can we go on a date just for tonight? Because I miss you because they know maybe they'll miss you tonight enough to go on a date, but they also know themselves well enough to know, but I might wake up tomorrow and regret it.
So I can't ask for a one-night date that wouldn't make any sense.
So instead, what they do is, hey I'm, I know, we're not together and I'm, not taking that back, but wow, you're a really good workout partner.
And you know what you were, you were a really good work partner.
We worked together really well, or we were really good with our pet together, whatever it is it's an excuse.
So they get the actual relief of being with you again.
They get to ease that fear of maybe I've lost them forever.
I get to have this moment.
I get to kind of prove to them that that I still click.
Well with them.
I get to remind them that they find me attractive.
I get to read if they want to be with me or not, and I get the relief of the anxiety that comes from missing with you, but they don't have to restart the anxiety of knowing that they're fully back together with you so they'll do that a lot a lot of the clients that I have they'll say, okay, um.
This is strange.
She said, she needed to to not be with me because she needed to figure herself out.
She needed to find herself.
She just had too much anxiety.
So she broke up with me.
But this is only it hasn't even been a week, and she wants to work out with me.
What do you think I should do that's where it gets tricky.
But this this video is just to kind of explain to you how to recognize some patterns of when they're reaching out.
And what it means all these signs mean that you're on their mind she's thinking about you she's, wondering, and it could be a he.
I don't mean to say, it's, always she it's, not always a female.
It can be a man as well.
But the point is when they reach out in some of these ways they are reaching out again, if you have, if you have a relationship that ended that you know was the right thing to do you're, not going to risk restarting it for no reason it's just not going to happen as a matter of fact, sometimes they can do these things so often that they stay in a consistent state of of being right in the middle.
What I mean is they're, not really back together with you.
So if you haven't really won your ex back, but at the same time, they have enough contact with you that they haven't frozen, you out so you're, not out of their life.
So take the positive signs that you're saying is exactly that the positive signs that they're thinking about positive signs that you're really not completely out of their minds out of their hearts.
They haven't found that perfect someone else in your heart.
It might feel like we haven't been back together.
Now for a few weeks, maybe even a few months.
So we have no chance it's an easy fear to believe, but it's, not usually how human behavior operates.
So take the good news.
Take the good signs.
Take the good evidence, don't, take it as an absolute certainty, I'm, not telling you to lie to yourself I'm, actually telling you to stop lying to yourself by convincing you that even when you have good evidence that you're on their mind that it doesn't exist, there's always a motivation for an action.
If they like down that story, if they hit the heart, if they made the comment, if they reached out, nobody really reaches out.
So you can tell the cat to say, hello, nobody actually communicates with a pet like that.
It's, really it really is about you so take the encouragement.
But the the problem is once you get that encouragement, sometimes you've given them the ability to reinforce the breakup what I mean by that is sometimes they'll text you.
And when you're in no contact when the ex reaches out to you, you do want to reach out back you want to you want to communicate warmth to the level that they initiate.
You don't want to go in pursuit, but you don't want to ignore them.
But sometimes what happens with borderline is they reach out to you just enough to relieve the anxiety of missing you, but they don't reach the point of missing you to the degree that brings them all the way back so you're, actually, enabling them it's like you're, giving them training wheels to learn how to live life without you.
You don't want to do that either.
This is one of the scariest, but most effective stages of trying to win back somebody with borderline.
What you have to do if you feel like that they're reaching out to you enough, just to use you for a crutch to help get over you, you have to be less available.
This is one of those situations when you really don't want to keep responding too fast or keep it a little bit shorter.
Instead of like here's, here's, the level that they're initiating.
And so instead of the normal thing to do, if it wasn't a borderline situation is you match, you match what they initiate in this case, whatever they initiate almost match, but keep it brief.
Keep the idea, keep the tension there keep them in a state of pursuit to let them know that yes, I'm available, but I'm, not anxious, I'm, not ready, I'm, not jumping at the chance to be with you.
So you don't want to relieve the anxiety that maybe they've lost you completely, because if you do they'll, stay right in the middle land like over here, this is I'm going to take you back and we'll be together forever.
They don't want to land there right now over here is I'll.
Never.
I never want to speak to you again, we're broken, up and we're, never getting back together.
They don't want to land there either, where can they float and exist and almost have the most peace is right in the middle somewhere this place where we don't need to have a label for it where I'm not completely back with you, but you're accessible to me in my life.
So I don't have to have the anxiety of feeling like I made a big mistake by letting you go so to move them out of that zone, which is going to be hard for you because the truth is as painful as it is to not know where you fit in their life.
It feels a lot better than knowing you don't have any place in their life.
So you have to make the decision you have to make the brave choice to say, as comfortable as this is this isn't, the kind of relationship.
I want it's a non-relationship I'm, not with them and I'm, not completely out of their life.
So you have to project more strength than you feel to do that what I mean is respond to them like it's, somebody that you work with that you have to get along with, but you don't really like something short to the point.
And then, oh, I gotta go.
I have to go work out, hey, good talking to you.
I gotta go out with my friends.
You have to keep enough tension there.
So that the fear of losing, you stays paramount in their mind, you might have to miss a few text messages you're just trying to send the signal that I'm not trying to be rude I'm, not trying to hurt your feelings, I'm, not trying to play mind games with you.
But I have to find a way to let, you know that I'm not just waiting on the porch for you anytime.
You want to open the door and use me to reassure yourself that you haven't lost me.
You have to send a signal that no there I'm moving further and further and further away I'm, not telling you to go to hell I'm, not telling you I hate, you I'm, not telling you I'm heartbroken and can't live without you.
But I am telling you that if you don't make a decision I'm going to be gone more and more not available I'm going to be gone more and more keep the tension there, that's, what works sometimes it's scary? Because we enjoy even that limited contact.
It gives us some hope.
But you have to take a deep breath and realize I can't stay here.
Forever, and if you stay in that position, long enough, you'll, enable them to not really have that fear of loss.
And in the meantime, they'll meet somebody else eventually, and then they will be gone.
So you have to make a decision.
You have to draw a line in the sand and show that you're worth fighting for.
And if they don't come all the way back, they could all the way lose you so that's.
What you do those are some of the signs that you want to look for that's.
What it means when you see these signs and that's how you respond.
Now, if you're dealing with this, and I can be of any kind of views to you going through it, because I know it's hard somebody dating somebody and falling in love with somebody with borderline is extremely addictive.
They have one of the most addictive connected intimate personalities that you can have what's so what's.
So unique about them is that they usually have a very high intelligence.
They usually have a high sense of sensitivity and intensity.
They also have this vulnerability it's like they're, this unique and beautiful person that has a little bit of sense of being broken, which puts in them this this little bit of a very attractive humility.
So it's, this impressive person with a humble heart and it's that heart that makes it so impossible to walk away from later on the only problem is when they kind of switch over and start to devalue you because you're still trying to love them for that humble beautiful wounded heart that they have that you know, is so unique and precious in a way so you're still determined to stay loyal to that version of that.
But with borderline it's, a personality disorder.
So when they switched over, and they really started to devalue you you being determined to stay in love with that.
Humble beautiful person is going to work against you.
You never convince someone that you have enduring real true, deep love for them by tolerating disrespect and being casually cast aside.
You don't, teach them that you're demonstrating true love when you do that you're teaching them that you're, not worthy of respect and true love.
When you do that so don't do it if I could be of any help, you can schedule a call with me at coach.
Ken do they love me, dot com there's a calendar on there.
Let me know please give me a like a subscribe or a comment, and let me know your experience with borderline, because we help each other.
When we tell the stories of what we've been through the pain that you're in now is going to help encourage and get somebody else through that same pain that may experience and read about it later.
So a quick shout out to coach lee he's got a new channel dealing with anxiety.
If that feels like something that you're going through, which is a common thing with this.
Then take us.
Take a look over there at his videos.
And the channels there's a lot of good things, a lot of good resources over there that can help you.
So thanks.
A lot and I'll.
See you soon.
