Why Is My Ex So Mean To Me? (2023)


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In this video, he answers the question as to why an ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend can be so mean, cold, cruel, angry, and hurtful during and after a breakup that they initiate.

Often times, your ex is mean and resentful to you because they feel that you won't leave them alone and respect their decision. Sometimes an ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend feels that if he or she can hurt you enough that you will finally leave them alone and give him or her space.

Your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend toughens up once they realize they definitely want to go through with the breakup. This toughening up is in an effort to defend their decision. This is why your begging, pleading, and constantly wanting to talk to them to try to get them back only gives them more resolve and determination.

In a sense, your ex's defenses against you grow stronger each time they have to argue about the breakup with you and defend their decision to go through with it. You basically train your ex to reject you repeatedly and they entrench themselves in the decision to breakup. That's why it is best to give your ex space and not fight the breakup. This gives you the best chance of your ex coming back to you and can keep them from being cold, mean, and cruel to you.

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Hi this is coach Lee.

And in this video I'm going to answer a question that I'm asked a lot by coaching clients.

And that is, why is my ex so cruel it's hurtful and people just are crushed by this person who they thought they knew who they see as treating them so cruelly.

And so unkindly, please take a second and click, the subscribe button below so that you can be notified when I have more videos that are helpful to your situation and that includes relationships and attraction.

So when a breakup happens, there is usually two sides and what I mean by that beyond the obvious is that there's one side, he wants the break-up and there's one side who does not want the break-up.

And so one side feels they are having to defend the break-up on the other side, feels that they're having to attack the break-up.

And conversely, one side feels that they are having to defend the relationship.

And the other side feels that they're having to attack the relationship or discredit it to some degree and I'm sure it does not surprise you to hear me say that both sides are very far apart in their hearts and in their minds in terms of how they view things.

And usually, this is a big surprise to the person who is being broken up with or being dumped.

And that person is looking across the table.

So to speak at this person who they thought really cared about them and really wanted this relationship and even saw it as one of the highlights of their life.

And yet.

Now, this person is saying that they don't want to be with you anymore.

They don't want this relationship anymore.

And so the person being broken up with is shocked.

Stunned surprised hurt all these things and they're, not a good combination together.

And it seems as though this other person who's breaking up with them as though they have become someone, they don't even recognize.

And so in fighting for this relationship and fighting against the breakup, you will tell you're about to be X or already X.

The good things about this relationship and you'll, try to remind them of memories and some attempt to get them to remember and kind of be like, oh, you're, right.

This relationship is more important and it's stronger than I thought.

It means more than me than I thought.

So I'm gonna stay with you that's kind of what you're thinking when you're trying to talk your ex into getting back together with you.

And as you know from a lot of my other videos, I tell you that, even though it seems like you have all these things that you want to say to your ex to get through to them that talking to them just won't, do it because you're dealing with something they feel it's difficult for them to put it into words.

And so you are oftentimes trying to be reasonable with them you're trying to speak logically.

And in some ways mathematically like this equals this, we are happy because of this Plus this Plus this.

And this relationship is great because of this Plus this Plus this, and they are going on something that they feel.

They are going on, mostly an emotional response.

Now that emotional response can be to something.

That is logical, for example, if you are in a long-distance relationship, and your ex or soon-to-be ex just has had enough of it because it's exhausting traveling that far to see.

The other person is an exhausting thing and in time because it's so difficult to be face-to-face with that person and because being face-to-face is so important over time it seems like more work which lowers attraction and I'm generalizing but your ex can know that the long distance is what has caused them to feel less for you and so they have a logical reason it makes sense but that logic the math of it has actually changed the way that they feel and so even if you could reason with them and talk to them logically about it their feelings, don't change in a snap it.

Just doesn't work that way just like what your relationship has built to how you feel about it in terms of companionship romance.

Closeness that didn't happen in a snap you can't.

Make them feel differently in a snap.

They have to reflect.

They have to look at things and see how they feel.

And even though I'm using the word feel that's, not even accurate word because it's a combination of things it's, a combination of the mind and the heart and the will because they are actually willing themselves to break up with you it's, not something that they just want to do and do it's, usually something that they start to think might be the best thing to do, and they pull back.

And then their mind goes into that area.

Again, maybe something happened between the two of you, not necessarily a big argument or fight, but just something they perceived as negative.

Even if it was recognition that they felt less passion after a long distance trip to see you or hurt, because they didn't see you as engaging with them like they thought you would or treating them as though you cared about them and wanted them in your life.

And they felt hurt from that there's just all kinds of things that it can be.

And it starts with both logic and feelings.

And it merges into something that's difficult to separate.

So even if you're talking to them, logically their feelings are still connected to those things.

And so they can't just sit there and discuss math with you basically because whereas you're saying, look, two, plus two equals four.

They can only agree with you on that from a logical standpoint, their heart is saying it does not and so you're going to get nowhere with them.

So you ask, why is my X being so cruel to me here's? Why? Because as they begin to realize they are at an impasse with you where they want to part ways? And you are trying to convince them otherwise, they feel that they are not going to be able to get you to leave them alone.

Just by them saying, I want to part ways because you're trying to reach out you're trying to get them to feel something for you and to them that's, an insult that you would try to change their minds like that, because as I said, it's, not something that happens in a snap.

And as I said in another video, recently, it did happen that quick would you trust it? Because if it happened that quickly that your ex said, you know what change of line I want to be back with you don't, you think that it could go back the other way just as quickly because your ex is dealing with this monster that is sort of this merging of logic and feelings into some other dimension altogether inside of them.

So you can't argue with them, logically or emotionally and you're, trying to do that.

Most of the time someone being broken up with will start logically, then they will go to an emotional response when they see that's, not working with their ex.

And because you were so far apart on this your ex sees no other way to make you leave them alone, except to be cruel, because they think that will make you leave them alone.

And so they will say mean things to you, they will demonstrate anger, they might yell, or they might tell you.

We have nothing to talk about.

They might ignore you and they're being cruel much like a wounded animal.

If you've ever had a dog, who's hurt, and you go to that dog to try to help them, he will respond a lot of times by biting because he's trying to defend himself, because he feels the injury.

And he doesn't want you to hurt him, and he feels vulnerable and you're trying to help, but you can't communicate that to him both people in a breakup can behave that way, oftentimes someone being broken up with will respond in anger to the person breaking up with them.

And then they apologize for it, and they feel like they've dug a hole deeper.

And so they've become more desperate and more emotional.

And oftentimes the person who is doing the breaking up the dumper, they will respond with anger, because they just it's like get off of me, leave me alone, I don't want to deal with this anymore and part of this, because they know you're hurt, and they don't want to see it anymore.

And so they just want you to leave them alone and it's also due to some selfishness, simply because they want to get on with their life and I'm, not saying that that's necessarily an entirely selfish thing, but they don't know what else to do.

And so they react in a way that will hurt you, hoping that you won't care about them as much, because of that, in other words, they're trying to really damaged the relationship in your heart.

And they couldn't necessarily put that into words like a lot of things, a lot of things about getting your ex back your ex could not put into words, why they feel a certain way towards you, why? No contact, for example, has such a strong effect on an ex.

They couldn't explain it to you to make a lot of sense.

They couldn't just say, well, he didn't contact me so I missed him, it's actually far more complicated than that.

And so is the cruel response from someone who's breaking up with you it's complicated.

But what they're actually trying to do is to make, you hate the relationship.

I mean, they literally don't care anymore about that part.

They just want you to leave them alone and so that's.

What you oftentimes will get from someone when you will not back away and give them space after a breakup, they will respond with anger.

And even with cruelty calling you names.

Insulting, you rewriting the history of the relationship is to say that they never liked it.


They never felt fulfilled from it.

It wasn't as good as you remember, they will say those types of things, and they will try to do things that are extreme to try to hurt you enough to where they think that you won't love them as much as you do, and maybe then you'll back away.

And what might seem to be twisted and exceptionally cruel your ex might even feel that they can get you to hate the relationship and to not want the relationship either and that that will make the break-up smoother, and they won't have to experience you chasing them and annoying them and making things awkward.

And so by hurting, you it's, almost like they're, trying to make you think of them in a far less light.

So that you don't want them anymore, which is unthinkable to you because you're wanting to do anything you can to make your ex wants you again.

And so it seems like they are just trashing something that is priceless and precious to you and that they could just toss it aside like it was trash and that's, very difficult to accept and to understand and it's temporary, usually if you were back away and do some of the things that I talked about in my other videos, it can be a temporary thing just like all of this could be and that's.

What I have to tell people a lot of times.

Yes, we know they want to break up with you.

So any of the negatives associated with that like saying to you that they don't ever see you having a future, well, that's what they feel in the moment.

And so a lot of this is what they feel in the moment they are acting like the wounded animal the wounded dog because it does hurt them to see you hurting.

It does hurt them that the relationship is over, but that they feel it conclusively inside of them at that moment.

And so they respond lashing at you biting at you like a dog, wanting you to leave them alone because the talking about it, the begging all of that is making it very difficult on them, because they are seeing that you're hurt and they're being reminded.

They hurt you, and so they feel guilty.

And yet at the same time, they're wanting to leave and so they're having to fight against that guilt and they're having to fight against you and you're raising their defenses and making them more likely to do extreme things to get you to leave them alone.

And it can be very painful to the person being broken up with.

Because you look at this person, you think you know that I'm already hurting from what you're doing to me and now you're, adding to that with horrible things that are so hateful and mean, and it makes no sense.

It adds to the confusion, it's, just something that leaves you in sorrow, depression, frustration.

It leaves you weak.

It leaves, you anxious and it's difficult to deal with.

So what you need to understand is that when your ex responds by being very cruel by being very angry by lashing out at you, it is because you have not backed off of them.

Most of the time I'm, not saying that that's how it is, in every case, some people are just jerks, and you may have to consider and ask yourself, if this person who's breaking up with, you is just a jerk and you're better off without him or her.

But sometimes people don't know what else to do.

And they can't get you to leave them alone and it's falling on deaf ears and the more that you reach out to them and the more that you bag.

And the more that you try to talk them into coming back to the relationship coming back to you it's ridiculous to them, because you can't talk them into feeling this way.

And so they just keep building up their defenses to you and getting better and better at overcoming their own anxiety in our own inside consciousness, that believes one thing or fills one way or looks at you in one way they become better at fighting back against you and defending and eventually it's just annoying, and they lash out because they're tired of it.

So what you can take away from this video is that when your ex seems like they're being cruel it's, because they are desperate to cool themselves out of the situation and give themselves a break from the situation for the various reasons I've mentioned, they feel guilty because they've hurt you.

They become more resolved that they don't want the relationship and therefore they're willing to take more risks like alienating you hurting you and risking that you will never want to speak to them again, because they have become so sure they don't want the relationship because you have trained them to defend against it, because you will not leave them alone and I know, that's difficult to hear that you might have caused this in your eggs by continuing to reach out and beg and plead and try to talk them into it and just not leaving them alone.

But if you do back off I have other videos about this.

If you do back off, you can cause pattern interruption, which can get them to reconsider, because it makes them curious.

And that has them to look at you in a different light and it's a slow thing, it's, a step by step thing, but it can lead them to a point where they actually want to get back together with you and I do have some other videos about that that will be linked to at the end of this video, if you're going through this and experiencing cruelty from this person.

And you feel that even in your moment of sorrow that they're not showing any compassion just know that they are going through some emotional things that are difficult for you to understand right now, and that they don't even understand fully.

They are desperate to take a break from this situation and all that they see in front of them regarding the breakup, the best thing you can do is back off completely go into no contact.

If you like to schedule, a coaching call with me, I can help you get your ex back to schedule that call visit my ex back coach comm.

And this has been Lee with my ex back coach comm.

Thank you for watching you.


What does it mean when your ex is mean to you? ›

When your ex is being mean to you, he often is looking at ways to hurt you. Once he works out he's being ignored, he's more likely to lash out and try and hurt you in other ways. Just ignore him.

How do you respond to a mean ex? ›

How to Respond to an Angry Text from Your Ex
  1. 1 “I don't want to fight.”
  2. 2 “We broke up. ...
  3. 3 “You need to leave me alone.”
  4. 4 “I'm in a relationship.”
  5. 5 “I'm sorry you feel that way.”
  6. 6 “Could you tell me what I did to upset you?”
  7. 7 “I understand why you're feeling this way.”
  8. 8 “This number has been disconnected.”

How do you deal with an ex who is mean to you? ›

The best way to deal with a mean ex-boyfriend is to simply ignore him as much as possible and move on with your life. Even if you have no choice but to see him regularly, you can still deal with the situation like a pro by showing him that his mean behavior has no effect on you.

Why is my ex so hostile towards me? ›

Sometimes, an ex will express anger towards you simply because they're using you and the breakup as a scapegoat. They might just not be in a good place in their life, and they might be feeling unhappy and dissatisfied with themselves, so they take it out on you.

What is a narcissistic ex? ›

A narcissistic ex will show no empathy for you or the people around them. They cannot relate to your pain or see the role they played in your breakup. Their only goal is to feed their ego, and they will go to any lengths to achieve these goals. This lack of empathy can be masked by a charming personality.

Why is my ex saying hurtful things? ›

If your ex said mean things to you, they meant it in that particular moment, but it was probably just an emotional reaction. The best you can do in this situation is to stop making your ex the protagonist of your life and start making well-informed decisions and committing to them fully.

How do you accept a toxic ex? ›

13 Tips for How to Heal From a Toxic Relationship
  1. Feel Your Emotions. ...
  2. Try Not to Contact Your Old Partner to “Check In” ...
  3. Don't Expect Closure. ...
  4. Maintain a Strong Support System with Positive People. ...
  5. Don't be Afraid to Admit What You've Been Through. ...
  6. Re-Discover Your True Self. ...
  7. Practice Self-Care. ...
  8. Practice Self-Kindness.
Apr 21, 2021

Is it okay to tell an ex that they hurt you? ›

Reaching out to apologize to an ex for your hurtful actions can be really meaningful to them, as long as it's about making them feel validated and not just about clearing your own conscience. Sometimes it can also be helpful to let your ex know the ways they've hurt you.

Why is he being mean to me after break up? ›

He holds grudges against you

Men may start becoming cold-hearted after breakup. Often the breakup causes them to develop bitter feelings for their ex-partner. The pain and anguish of being left alone become unbearable for them. At this time, they start to have negative feelings about the relationship.

How do you make a toxic ex regret losing you? ›

Psychological tricks to make your ex regret losing you
  1. 01/6These tricks will help. ...
  2. 02/6Stay in sight but limit contact. ...
  3. 03/6Become a better version of you. ...
  4. 04/6Make them believe you are over them. ...
  5. 05/6Travel. ...
  6. 06/6Get successful.
Sep 29, 2022

Why is my ex purposely trying to hurt me? ›

The first and most obvious reason why your ex tries to hurt you after a breakup is that they still have feelings for you. This is why they contact you, make it difficult for you to move on, and try to make you stay in touch with them.

What are the signs of a toxic ex? ›

All the same, you could notice some of these signs in yourself, your partner, or the relationship itself.
  • Lack of support. ...
  • Toxic communication. ...
  • Envy or jealousy. ...
  • Controlling behaviors. ...
  • Resentment. ...
  • Dishonesty. ...
  • Patterns of disrespect. ...
  • Negative financial behaviors.
Jan 11, 2022

Is it normal for an ex to hate you? ›

It's common for an ex-romantic partner to feel like they hate the person who broke up with them—or that they hate the person they broke up with. If you've broken up with someone, they may feel like they hate you because you caused them pain by rejecting them.

How do you communicate with a hostile ex? ›

Communicate as little as possible

When speaking with a hostile ex, you will likely be drawn into an argument and nothing will get resolved. Limit communication to texting and e-mail. This way you can choose what to respond to and you will be able to delete knee-jerk retorts that you would make if you were on the phone.

How narcissists act after a breakup? ›

At the end of a relationship, narcissists may become combative, passive-aggressive, hostile, and even more controlling. People with NPD often fail to understand other people's needs and values. They are hyper focused on their egos, but do not account for how their actions affect others.

What is a trauma bond with a narcissist ex? ›

Trauma bonding occurs when a narcissist repeats a cycle of abuse with another person which fuels a need for validation and love from the person being abused. Trauma bonding often happens in romantic relationships, however, it can also occur between colleagues, non-romantic family members, and friends.

How does a narcissist treat a woman? ›

They will often deploy a variety of narcissistic relationship patterns such as manipulation, charismatic, and exploitational tactics in order to ensure that their own needs and wants are met. As a spouse, you may be the subject of their manipulation and abuse, while your partner treats everyone else positively.

What is the most hurtful thing you can say to an ex? ›

"Two of the worst things anyone could say to an ex is, 'I never loved you,' or, 'Our relationship was a waste of time,'" he says. "Although often spoken in anger, both statements are deeply painful for the recipient to hear." Want to know how else you should tread lightly when talking to a former flame?

When your ex is still angry with you? ›

If it has been a few months and your ex is still showing extreme emotions, you should see it as a sign of your ex's inability to process the breakup. If this is the case, it may be a good idea to try to understand why they have such extreme emotions towards you by talking about it.

Will a toxic ex change? ›

Toxic people can change, but it's highly unlikely. What is certain is that nothing anyone else does can change them. It is likely there will be broken people, broken hearts and broken relationships around them – but the carnage will always be explained away as someone else's fault.

Do toxic exes miss you? ›

After all, when someone has been a toxic relationship partner, it's doubtful that he or she will be that great of a friend. Reality check: Toxic ex-partners may not miss you, but they sure do miss what you provided for them.

Why do I miss my ex who treated me badly? ›

We feel they love us even though they treat us badly. This contradiction is known as cognitive dissonance, where we believe two contradictory thoughts at the same time. As a result of the contradiction we can become more extreme in our thoughts and behaviours as we wrestle with the disconnect.

Why is it so hard to let go of a toxic ex? ›

Leaving a toxic relationship can be very hard because of all the emotional labor and time spent trying to make the relationship work. It can feel like an internal failure, or that by leaving you are giving up on something you've invested in.

How do I protect myself from a vindictive ex? ›

How to Deal with Your Crazy and Abusive Ex: Top 6 Easy & Useful Tips
  1. No Contact with Your Crazy Ex Boyfriend or Girlfriend.
  2. Ignore All the Text, Phone Calls & Emails from a Crazy Ex.
  3. Install Home Security Cameras to Protect Yourself Against Crazy Ex.
  4. Seek Help form Your Friends.
  5. Call the Police.
  6. Get a Restraining Order.

How do you respond to an ex who hurt you? ›

Here's how to respond to an ex contacting you, as advised by experts.
  1. You have to be an adult.
  2. The best revenge is to be happy.
  3. Draw and enforce boundaries.
  4. Focus on solutions.
  5. Talk to a counselor.
  6. Pause before responding.
  7. Listen to your gut.
  8. Don't respond right away.
Apr 8, 2023

Do dumpers regret hurting their ex? ›

Generally speaking, some dumpers regret their decision to break up only weeks after the incident. Other dumpers need years to feel that way. And some never even arrive at the final stage of dumpers remorse. Instead, they move on to someone else — be it a rebound or not.

Why ignoring your ex is powerful? ›

Distancing yourself from your ex gives you space to explore your emotions, gives you the time to process the hurt, gives you perspective, and more, which eventually allows you to move on from the heartbreak. Forget what guys feel when their ex ignores them or what anyone feels when they are cut off by their ex.

Does my ex miss me even though we don't talk? ›

It's unlikely that an ex will forget about you, even if you don't communicate with them after the breakup. Relationships tend to make an large emotional impact on both people involved, so it's likely your ex will remember you and the relationship even after the breakup.

Do breakups hit guys later? ›

Not necessarily. Ultimately, it does depend a lot on the person and their relationship. If the guy is more open about their feelings, they tend to move on at a healthy pace. If the relationship was a short-term, casual one, they also tend to move on faster than if it was a long-term relationship.

How long after a breakup do guys realize they made a mistake? ›

Men often go through an emotional state called “Dumpers Remorse” after the woman finally goes away. This state hits after one month to six weeks after the man passes through the initial happy phase after a breakup. He starts to give away signs he knows he messed up the whole thing from that time.

How do guys usually act after a breakup? ›

Men usually have a big ego that's suppressed in the relationship for most of the time, but when it's all over, their ego bursts up. They retreat into their own world and take their time understanding several aspects of the breakup. They are usually very irritated and frustrated during this time.

How do I make my ex realize his mistakes? ›

5 Ways on How to Make Him Realize He Made a Mistake
  1. Stay away a bit.
  2. Don't argue at all.
  3. Never ever talk about past experiences.
  4. Focus on yourself.
  5. Be the future you.
Jun 11, 2020

How do you know he regrets hurting you? ›

Another time when a guy feels guilty for hurting you is if he sees that you've moved on to another partner. If he notices that you're visibly happier and more content in the romantic relationship in comparison to when you were with him, that is when he regrets hurting you.

How do I make him realize my worth? ›

13 Ways To Make Him Realize Your Worth
  1. Keep yourself busy.
  2. To make him realize your worth, stop texting and calling him.
  3. Forget to do some of his chores.
  4. Express your feelings through your actions.
  5. Stop being a pushover.
  6. Go out with your friends.
  7. Pamper yourself.
  8. Start saying no.

Why do narcissists want to hurt their ex? ›

Narcissists can't independently feel good about themselves and require you to feel bad about yourselves for them to prove they are the grandiose person they present to the world. In short, narcissists hurt you to feel better about themselves.

Does your ex feel bad for hurting you? ›

Now, if you're wondering, “Does my ex feel guilty for hurting me,” chances are that yes, they do. It is not most people's intention to cause pain and suffering to the person they had developed a relationship with. A person can also feel guilty about how they handled the breakup.

What are signs your ex still likes you? ›

To find out if your ex still likes you, see if they keep calling, texting, or messaging you, which shows they're still into you. Additionally, pay attention to whether they seem to show up wherever you are, since that suggests they're looking for continued contact.

How do you know if your ex is toxic? ›

What are the signs of a toxic relationship?
  • Lack of support. “Healthy relationships are based on a mutual desire to see the other succeed in all areas of life,” Caraballo says. ...
  • Toxic communication. ...
  • Envy or jealousy. ...
  • Controlling behaviors. ...
  • Resentment. ...
  • Dishonesty. ...
  • Patterns of disrespect. ...
  • Negative financial behaviors.
Jan 11, 2022

How do you know if a guy still cares after a breakup? ›

They might hug you, kiss your check or display other types of physical affection to show that they care. If they are still very emotional about the breakup, they might also look down, avoid eye contact or even cry. Their feelings may show in their actions.

How do you know if your ex regrets breaking up? ›

  • Jan 26, 2023. 10 signs your ex regrets breaking up with you. ...
  • Reaching out to you. If your ex regrets dumping you, they will try to reach out to you frequently, either through text or social media. ...
  • Effort to meet. ...
  • Expression of regret. ...
  • The mutual friends. ...
  • Jealousy. ...
  • Efforts to look good. ...
  • Contact you.
Jan 26, 2023

How do you know if your ex is in pain? ›

One of the telltale signs he is hurt after the breakup is if he can't stop talking to you. Indeed, he knows you guys have broken up, but letting go is hard for him. He will text you, call to ask about your work and friends, or look for an excuse to hear your voice. These signs mean he cannot accept your separation.

How do I know my ex regrets hurting me? ›

They begin to act like a different person

One of the signs she regrets losing you is when she begins to behave like a changed person. You will notice that they put up a different personality you are not used to. This is usually to make you see them in a different light so that they can win your love again.

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