How Do I Deal With Toxic In-Laws? (2024)

FAQs

How Do I Deal With Toxic In-Laws? ›

What boundaries? One of the most effective ways of dealing with toxic people is to put boundaries in place that enable you to have distance from them. Unfortunately, toxic in-laws have a habit of refusing to accept their place in your relationship and will ignore any boundaries you attempt to establish.

What boundaries? One of the most effective ways of dealing with toxic people is to put boundaries in place that enable you to have distance from them. Unfortunately, toxic in-laws have a habit of refusing to accept their place in your relationship and will ignore any boundaries you attempt to establish.

Toxic in-laws tend to take any situation as an excuse to react negatively, make a scene, or put you on the defensive. “Toxic in-laws react negatively to almost anything,” says Ross. “They blow little things out of proportion, view any comment as a reason to blame or shame you, or become angry, or verbally abusive.”

Ways to protect your marriage from toxic in-laws

Both you and your spouse need to make sure that your in-laws know what is acceptable and what is not acceptable and abide by the rules that are in place. It may also be helpful to let your partner deal with their parents if they are disrespectful to you.

You can refuse to stay with your in-laws and you most definitely do not need to be best friends with your sisters-in-law. It is absolutely normal to want to stay away from them. Staying away from your in-laws does not mean that you don't like them or don't want to spend time with them.

Actually, disliking your in-laws is incredibly common. After all, you fell in love with your partner and committed to them. You certainly didn't fall in love or commit to their critical mother or controlling father. So don't think there is anything wrong with you for not being fond of your extended family.

The four behaviours are Blaming, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling. Relationship expert Dr John Gottman termed these "The Four Horsem*n of the Apocalypse" as they spell disaster for any personal or professional relationship.

How do you deal with inlaws that don't respect you? ›

Many married couples do not realize that just because you're married to someone does not mean that a parent-in-law or other extended family member has a free pass to impose, hurt feelings, or cause other types of stress in the new spouse's relationship and life that can lead to divorce.

It is entirely possible for mother-in-laws (or father-in-laws) to find themselves being sued by their child's spouse for allegedly destroying the marriage. The important takeaway is to understand and accept that your child's marriage involves two people and neither of them are you.

Instead, whenever you can, provide an honest explanation for why you can't take part in a visit. If you really are sick, just say so. Or, if you have a lot of work to do, say something like, “I'm sorry, but I'm really swamped at work and I can't do a visit this weekend.”

Instead, sit down and have an honest one-on-one with them about the situation. Let your partner know how you feel and listen to their perspective. Remember, a no coming from the both of you means much more than from just one of you. Not to mention it's much politer.

Every family plays by its own rules and usually makes them up as they go along. The only fundamental requirement in caregiving is understanding and respecting your own physical and emotional boundaries. If you don't, then no one else will. Ignoring the fact that your aging in-laws need help is not an option.

Many married couples have trouble with the question of who comes first, your spouse or your parents? The answer is your spouse – that's your first obligation. When you get married, you leave your parents. It doesn't mean you don't talk to them anymore (unless they're horrible), but you have to cater to the new dynamic.

When in-laws make you feel like an outsider? ›

It's totally normal to feel like an outsider for some time, and that can be super hard to tolerate. However, with patience, mindfulness, and intentionality, it's possible to actually use this time to learn about your partner and their family, and build a solid and cooperative alliance with all of them.

While one could point to many reasons why in-law relationships are so notoriously difficult to manage, it really boils down to two primary issues: boundaries and expectations. “Families can have rather strange boundaries,” says Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist who specializes in relationships.

The truth is, you may never like your in-laws. And that's totally fine. You don't have to. It's just important to keep the drama and the tension to a minimum as much as you can for the sake of your spouse and your children (if you have them).

Your in laws could cause you a good amount of stress through their rude behavior, which could elevate your anxiety, and in turn, you might end feeling socially awkward in their presence, the more you accompany in social events them the more you feel unpleasant and unhealthy about being there with them.

In-laws sabotage a marriage by consistently forcing their children to choose them over their spouses. They may demand that a woman spends the holidays with them instead of with their spouse or create arguments and demand that their child take their side.

Rayburn says some examples of healthy boundaries to set with in-laws can include: limiting how much time you spend with them if necessary. managing expectations around traditions during the holidays. not talking about certain topics, such as relationship issues.

A favourite tactic of the narcissistic mother-in-law is gaslighting. This is where she tries to make you question your perception of reality and memory of events by denying things that you know to be true. Did she say your bum looked big, then denied she ever said such a thing when you called her up on it?

A toxic mother-in-law may ignore you frequently and this is a hallmark type of passive-aggressive behavior. She may not talk to you and only speaks with your spouse, pretending like she didn't hear you. If confronted, she will come up with excuses and attempt to shift the blame onto you.

Do toxic people know they are toxic? ›

People with toxic traits know they have them

It's natural to assume someone's bad behavior is a conscious choice. But many people with toxic traits don't realize that their behavior impacts others. You may have toxic traits that you don't know about. Some toxic traits, like absolutism, manifest subtly.

What does it mean to stonewall someone? In simple terms, stonewalling is when someone completely shuts down in a conversation or is refusing to communicate with another person.

Stand your ground and refuse to be manipulated. Unless she is prepared to admit her faults and make some significant changes, you may also want to consider limiting her access to your children. It can't possibly be in their best interest to spend much time with a woman who is so hostile and demeaning.

Get with your spouse and brainstorm things that your in-laws could do that would be helpful. Then sit down with your in-laws and talk about what you would appreciate them doing. Also, discuss things that you would like them to stop. ➤ Relationships change and evolve.

They shouldn't stay for too long – Gloria Asibor

After one year, relatives can come around for maybe one week or two weeks. After they have a baby and either of the mothers wants to come and take care of them, she is not supposed to spend more than three months.

The research found in-laws caused arguments in 60% of marriages, while 22 per cent said they would divorce them if they could.

Have you ever wanted to sue someone you believe broke up your marriage -- a "homewrecker?" Well, in six states -- Hawaii, Illinois, New Mexico, North Carolina, Mississippi, South Dakota, and Utah -- you can. In those six states, the "Alienation of Affection" claim is an option.

It's called alienation of affection. Cathy Meyer is a certified divorce coach, marriage educator, freelance writer, and founding editor of DivorcedMoms.com.

What is negligence in a marriage? ›

Willful neglect is the failure of either spouse to provide for the common necessaries of life for the other party, when that spouse has the ability to do so and the party alleging neglect does not have the ability, or when a spouse fails to provide by reason of idleness, profligacy, or dissipation.

According to a new survey of more than 2,000 US adults from Ally Home, a digital financial-services company, the majority of respondents say there should be a 15-45 minute buffer zone between themselves and parents or in-laws.

Great news: there's no right or wrong number of times per day (or week, month or year) that you should talk to your mother. That magic number is, well, whatever works for the two of you. “Focus on the intention and value of the relationship and less about the shoulds and shouldn'ts,” Dr. Galloway said.

The Daughter-In-Law Syndrome by Stevie Turner is a surreal account of how in-law relationships can affect a marriage. Arla's behavior in dealing with life's challenges started early in life - like all of us - when she was a child. This behaviour transitioned to her adult life. So it was during Ric's childhood as well.

The research found in-laws caused arguments in 60% of marriages, while 22 per cent said they would divorce them if they could.

An overbearing mother-in-law is someone who is highly critical, self-righteous, and demanding. She will make every effort to ensure that she remains the center of attention, even if you've attempted to set healthy boundaries to avoid conflict.

Instead, whenever you can, provide an honest explanation for why you can't take part in a visit. If you really are sick, just say so. Or, if you have a lot of work to do, say something like, “I'm sorry, but I'm really swamped at work and I can't do a visit this weekend.”

It's the in-laws.” However, feuds between overbearing in-laws and their child's spouse aren't just for laughs on television. In many cases, these relationships can cause real damage to a marriage, particularly if interference from in-laws becomes persistent.

What is the #1 divorce cause? ›

Lack of Commitment Is the Most Common Reason for Divorce

In fact, 75% of individuals and couples cited lack of commitment as the reason for their divorce.

Enmeshment. It's possible that one (or more) of your in-laws still thinks they are the most important person in your spouse's life. They may still be trying to parent your spouse—what to wear, how to behave, how to treat you, advice about work, etc.

One of the signs of a bad mother-in-law is emotional manipulation. She can fake it until she makes it. A manipulative mother-in-law can cry when needed, get angry, or sick. She knows how to get attention and her way by using the empathy of others.

The Daughter-In-Law Syndrome by Stevie Turner is a surreal account of how in-law relationships can affect a marriage. Arla's behavior in dealing with life's challenges started early in life - like all of us - when she was a child. This behaviour transitioned to her adult life. So it was during Ric's childhood as well.

Jealous mother-in-law signs may involve interfering in your marriage, the way you function or being vocal about how you should raise your children. She will try to find faults with your style of upbringing and maybe even compare you with how excellently she brought up her children.